Zest of an Orange
by Ai Tennshi
Summary: The bird is overloaded, Sanji needs to borrow a bra, Hancock wants to make babies, Luffy is hallucinating... The reunion of the Straw Hats. Crack!fic.


_Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable from One Piece._

_Warnings: CRACK._

**Zest of an Orange**

The Straw Hat Pirates who only found their ways back by means of a vivre card were irritated to find, upon reaching Sabaody, that their vivre cards had led them to Shakky rather than Rayleigh. Shakky, however, directed them to Amazon Lily with minimal teasing. The group was more thankful than ever for Chopper's bird, for this was a means by which they could reach Amazon Lily easily without the concern of entering the Calm Belt.

So it was that Franky, Nami, Zoro, Chopper, Usopp and Brook all piled atop the disgruntled bird. The bird argued with Chopper for the first hour or so, but then resigned itself to the passenger overload.

But there weren't any convenient rocks or islands to rest on along the way, and after four days straight of flying, the bird's strength gave out (mostly attributed to Usopp's weight, making him the worth of three or four people) and it fell towards the sea…and collapsed on the deck of a passing ship.

"We're saved!" said Brook, glad not to be in the ocean.

"We're dead!" cried Usopp at the sight of a large number of armed men staring at them.

"You shit-heads are all here, are you?" said an ugly lady, weaving her way out among the men.

It took a moment of staring before Nami tentatively ventured, "Sanji?"

"Yes, Nami-san! I'm so glad to see you!" The new Sanji clasped Nami's hands. "I know this is a terribly inappropriate moment to ask, but could I borrow a bra? The elastic snapped on mine, and it feels horribly embarrassing to walk around without one. I asked Robin-san, but she doesn't have any spares."

"Of course," Nami replied, instinctively recognizing that Sanji was now more woman than man. "I always keep a few in my pocket, just in case." She pulled out a black lace bra and handed it to Sanji.

"Mm," said Sanji, "perfect. I was just wanting to get laid."

Sanji ran off—presumably to a cabin—to change, and soon afterwards could be found on deck seducing various members of the revolutionary army (which, apparently, was the group to which this ship belonged).

It took only two days after that to reach Amazon Lily.

"Hi guys!" said Luffy cheerfully. "Perfect timing. I just finished training with Rayleigh and Jinbei—now I'm invincible!"

"Don't get over-confident," said Rayleigh, pulling off his shirt. "Well, guys, I'll be working on your ship in Sabaody. Come visit when you're done with your reunion!"

And he dove into the water.

"What's he doing?" asked Usopp, puzzled.

"This is the Calm Belt!" Franky exclaimed.

"Oh, don't worry about him. He's just swimming back to Sabaody," said Luffy.

"Ah," said Zoro.

"But he left his shirt behind," said Brook.

"I suppose he doesn't need it," said Robin. "I'm sure he finds it easier to charm women with it off."

"I know, did you see his abs?" said Nami.

"Anyway," Luffy went on, "I'm invincible! Watch what I can do!"

He glared at the revolutionary's ship. The revolutionaries promptly fainted as one.

"Amazing!" said Chopper.

"My hero!" said Sanji, and tried to leap onto Luffy.

Luffy grabbed Sanji by the shoulder and held him at arm's length, looking mildly alarmed.

"What happened to him?" he demanded.

"Oh, nothing," said Robin calmly, leaving the ship. "Just the awakening of his inner maiden."

"I think Zoro's interested," said Luffy to Sanji, spinning him around and shoving him the way of his first mate.

"No!" said Zoro. "I've had enough of frilly and fluffy! Get him away!" He proceeded to attempt to fend off Sanji with his swords, but Sanji was proving difficult to dissuade.

"YOU CAN'T HAVE MY MAN!" came a screech from within the forest; a moment later, in a whirl of color, a woman came darting out. The woman was so beautiful that Sanji at once cast away his womanly ways and awakened once more to his love of beautiful women as a _man_.

As Boa Hancock set out to attack Nami and Robin, Sanji intercepted, a rose between his teeth.

"My lady, there is no need for violence—you had me at first sight."

"How beautiful," said Nami and Robin, captivated by the woman.

"She's _hot_," said Usopp and Franky.

"You're not asking to see her panties," said Chopper to Brook in surprise after a moment of silence.

"I've seen enough panties for another year or so," said Brook sagely. "And all men's too. It was very disappointing."

"Get away from me, you ugly fiend," said Hancock, and a moment later Sanji, Nami, Robin, Usopp and Franky had all been turned to stone.

"Hey, Hancock! Those are my comrades! Turn them back!" said Luffy indignantly.

"The men were looking at me inappropriately. The women were trying to take you away from me."

"Look," said Luffy, "I've told you that I'll come back just as soon as we finish going around the Grand Line. Then you can make babies with me or anything you like, but don't hurt my comrades!"

"Babies…" said Hancock, trailing off longingly with hearts in her eyes. "But can't we rehearse just once before you go?"

"I don't _want_ babies right now, I want to be Pirate King!" said Luffy, stomping his foot.

"Fine…" sighed Hancock. She turned his five comrades back into humans. "But you must remember—I am your wife!"

"Oh, you are?" said Luffy, mystified. "Okay. But I'm still leaving to be Pirate King."

"Yes, and then you shall return and we shall make babies!"

"This is getting repetitive," said Zoro. "Can we just go now?"

"But she's so _pretty_…" sighed Sanji, Usopp and Franky.

"She's terrifying," said Brook and Chopper.

"This is annoying," said Nami. "Everyone on the bird!"

And they all grabbed Luffy and jumped onto the back of the bird. "Ooh, are we going to be using the bird as our ship now?" asked Luffy.

"NO!" said Chopper and Nami, hitting him over the head.

"I'll be waiting for you, dear Luffy!" called Hancock as the island faded into the distance.

"Oh, right, Luffy, how are you holding up after what happened to Ace?" asked Usopp.

There was a pause.

"What happened to Ace?" said Luffy. For a moment, the Straw Hat Pirates wondered if they had just lit a bomb. Then, "Oh, you mean how he died? No problem. He came back!"

Luffy looked at his crew. His crew stared back.

"Came back?"

"Yep! He's right there, next to Zoro."

"I think they can see me, Luffy," said Ace. "They don't need a play-by-play from you."

"Oh, right," said Luffy.

"Oh, right what?" asked Nami.

"I don't see Ace anywhere," said Chopper, looking at and around Ace.

"Never mind," said Ace.

"You mean I'm the only one who can see him?" asked Luffy.

Luffy's crew nodded.

"Oh well. He must be an angel now, and he's come back to guide me!"

"I'm not dead!" said Ace indignantly.

"Then are you a ghost?"

"I said I'm _not_ dead!"

"But you died."

"That doesn't mean I'm dead _now_."

"I suppose."

"Look, Luffy," said Nami, "as much as I'd love to listen to your one-sided conversation, either Ace is a ghost or you're hallucinating."

"So?" said Luffy.

"Yeah, so?" said Usopp, Franky, Brook and Zoro.

"Isn't it fine as long as Luffy's happy?" said Sanji.

"They have a point," said Robin.

"You mean I can't try to fix this?" said Chopper, disappointed.

"Maybe next time," said Nami, patting Chopper on the hat.

The Straw Hat Pirates quickly grew used to their captain talking to himse- to his brother. Any enemy who was so silly as to mock Straw Hat Luffy's monologues either ended up knocked out with Luffy's Haki or burned with flames that tended to appear from somewhere to Luffy's side. So it was that the Straw Hats concluded that Luffy was _not_ hallucinating, but was being haunted.

However, as the ghost of Portgas D. Ace refused to so much as accept that he was dead, the Pirate King Monkey D. Luffy ended up forever talking to himself. The only people who had serious complaints against this were enemies (who didn't like being mysteriously burned to a crisp) and Hancock (who didn't like Luffy chatting with someone else while she was trying to make babies with him).

And so the world of the Straw Hats lived crazily ever after.


End file.
